Questions to ask your dad about his life

The short answer

Many fathers answer "it was fine" to big questions and talk for an hour about a first car. Ask about things he did, made, fixed and saw, one chapter at a time. Below are sixty questions in six chapters, plus tips for keeping his answers.

Fathers often tell their stories sideways: while driving, while fixing something, while watching a game. These questions are written for those moments. Pick a handful, ask them where he is comfortable, and keep what he says.

How to get real answers

• Ask side by side, not face to face. A walk, a drive or a job together makes talking easier.
• Start with objects. A car, a tool, a photograph or a house brings back more than "tell me about your life".
• Ask how, not just what. "How did you learn to do that?" leads to people and places.
• Let silence work. Wait a few seconds after he answers; the second answer is often the real story.
• Write it down the same day. Or record with his permission. See record family stories on a phone.

Where he came from

1. What is your earliest memory?
2. What did the house you grew up in look like from the street?
3. What did your father do for work, and did you ever go with him?
4. What did your mother cook that you still think about?
5. Who was the toughest person in your family?
6. What did you get in trouble for most often?
7. What did you and your friends build or break?
8. Where did you go when you wanted to be alone?
9. What did your family do on Sundays?
10. What did your father teach you without saying it?

School and growing up

1. Which teacher or coach changed how you saw yourself?
2. What subject were you better at than anyone expected?
3. What sport or game did you play every chance you got?
4. Who was your best friend, and where is he now?
5. What was the first thing you ever fixed yourself?
6. What was your first car, and what happened to it?
7. What music did you listen to in the car?
8. How did you earn your first money?
9. What did you think your life would look like at forty?
10. When did you first feel like a man rather than a boy?

Work and making a living

1. What was your first real job, and what did it pay?
2. What did you learn from the worst job you ever had?
3. Who taught you the most at work?
4. What was a mistake at work that taught you something?
5. Which piece of work are you proudest of?
6. What tool or skill did you rely on most?
7. What did you have to give up to provide for the family?
8. Which news event do you remember exactly where you were for?
9. What did things cost when you started out?
10. What would you do differently if you started again?

Love, friends and decisions

1. How did you meet Mom (or the person who mattered most)?
2. What made you sure about her?
3. What did your first date cost, and where did you go?
4. What was the biggest decision you made together?
5. Which friend would you call in the middle of the night?
6. What is the best advice anyone gave you?
7. When did you change your mind about something important?
8. What risk are you glad you took?
9. What risk are you glad you did not take?
10. Which decision are you proudest of?

Becoming a father

1. What do you remember about the day I was born?
2. What did you not expect about being a father?
3. What did you do differently from your own father?
4. What was I like as a small child?
5. What was the hardest year for the family, and how did you get through it?
6. What did you worry about that you never told us?
7. Which family trip do you remember best?
8. What did you try to teach us that we did not want to learn?
9. What moment as a father would you like to live again?
10. What are you proud of in your children?

What he knows now

1. What does a good day look like for you now?
2. What do you believe now that you did not believe at thirty?
3. What advice do you keep repeating?
4. What should every grandchild know how to do?
5. Which family story should never be lost?
6. What would you like to learn or try, even now?
7. What would you tell your younger self?
8. What are you most grateful for?
9. How would you like to be remembered?
10. What question did no one ever ask you that you wish they had?

Keeping his answers

• A guided memory book lets him answer in his own handwriting, when he is ready. See how to help a parent complete a memory book.
• A recording works for fathers who would rather talk than write. Our guide to transcribing a family interview shows how to keep his voice on paper.
• Both parents? The Mom & Dad Memory Book Set pairs this book with the Mom edition, and questions to ask your mom has sixty more questions for her.

Questions about asking your dad

What if my dad gives one-word answers?

Ask about something he can describe or show: a car, a tool, a workplace, a photograph. Concrete questions are easier to answer, and longer stories tend to follow.

When is the best time to ask?

When you are doing something together: driving, cooking, repairing something, walking. Holidays work well because there is time and family around to add details.

Should I record the conversation?

Yes, if he agrees. A phone recording keeps his voice and costs nothing. Write a short summary the same day so the stories are easy to find later.

How do I turn the answers into a gift?

Collect them in a guided memory book, or print a few stories with family photographs and give them back to him and the grandchildren.

Sources and limits

The questions are Wiserta editorial guidance based on oral-history practice, including the interviewing advice published by StoryCorps and the Library of Congress Veterans History Project. If memory loss is involved, see how to talk with someone who has memory loss.